Hello fellow Meredith students—I am writing today to inform you of some rather distressing knowledge I’ve come to hold. Men are walking among us in greater droves this semester than we have ever seen before. They are taking up space in our SMB and Harris homes, eating at the BeeHive, walking in packs of two to five at a time and, perhaps most deplorable of all, breathing our precious Meredith air. The absolute audacity of this has left me speechless until now.
Naturally, my first question came to be why? Why are they here, encroaching upon our fortress of solitude and strong education? They already have plenty of colleges and spaces that uplift their wants and needs, so what is here at Meredith that has drawn them to our beloved campus? Several people have informed me of the new post-graduate programs in the STEM, Business and Communication departments that have seen a dramatic increase in registration from the male kind. While I think this is a wonderfully educated guess, I figured I’d put into circulation three other theories I have regarding this new male presence on our campus.
Spies Sent From NC State to Get an Inside Perspective on Cornhuskin’
Don’t you think it’s just a little bit strange that all these men appeared on our campus shortly before Cornhuskin’ 2021 is set to start? Several of my inside resources from NC State have questions on what Cornhuskin' is, what kind of activities transpire at this corn-themed event, and why corn? These are all important questions; however, I never thought they would go as far as sending their men gallivanting onto the brutal battlefield that is our campus.
Alien Assassins Sent to Exterminate Us and Steal Our Precious Resource
While I will be the first to admit this one may be a bit far-fetched, I still believe we should explore it as a theory. These men aren't actually men at all; rather, they are alien assassins sent to prune us of our most precious resource and then exterminate us. What is this resource? Our beloved onyx. The alien species enjoy this beautiful stone and noticed we have an abundance of it on our campus.
The Earth is Actually Flat and They Are Flat Earthers Sent to Test This Theory
Now hear me out—I too believe the world is a round and beautiful orb, but it must be considered that flat earthers believe that we are all continuously walking in patterns of never-ending circles and never actually walk one straight line. Where would be the best place to test this theory? Meredith College, of course. The students here are always walking in elaborate circles to get from building to building (with the exception of the rare occasion they walk from north to south or east to west with no stops). However, they believe this is just to throw them off our trail.
Whatever the reason is, there are men among us and we must remain cautious at all times, no matter their motive. Do not share our secrets or precious resources, and don’t walk in circles. Maybe then they will leave us alone in peace.
Disclaimer: This is satire; no part of this article is to be taken seriously. Another important item to note is that Meredith’s campus is home, at both the graduate and undergraduate level, to women, men and nonbinary individuals who identify all over the gender spectrum. It is our responsibility as Meredith students to make everyone feel welcome here. Please be kind to all.
By Rachel Van Horne, Associate Editor